lost in my own translations

i am somewhat a loner. it´s a positive attribute that i take pride in, yes.
i am reflective upon what solitude can unearth...usually i am respected by this trait.
and i am so taken by how some people cannot stand to be alone.
it´s a challenge.
it´s weighted.
it´s jarring at times.
to sit with yourself...
in a crowd of spainards,
amidst the celebration of Three Kings Day,
up the staircase of the Prado Museo,
in the Parque del Buen Retiro,
at the internet cafe semi-cube,
at the dinner table across from the mother and father of the basque country that offer me cerveza with my pate´and i say, no, no, gracias, pero, do you have water? and i even used the "tu´" with her, since i am more of an informal girl myself, but with the absence of "usted" oh sh*t oh god oh god now i´ve done it...just drink the water, take the water, silence the water, and compliment how cold it is and how great it tastes, the water, my! que bueno! and the water, i asked for the water because i think i have caught a cold, in my Andalusia region, south, but i can´t explain this at the dinner table, i can´t explain this in front of Eek, i can´t explain this in perfect spanish anyhow, yet i see her woman-up, down her pill with a sip of red wine next to the glass of cerveza, the same cerveza that was offered to me, and i think damn it, i missed my opportunity to impress them with drinking with them at the their table and damn it, now they must think all americans are like me.
if i am the representation of an american in their country, i apologize TO ALL, i have failed.
i compensate by eating way to much jamon, way to much another type of jamon, more pate, more cold water, ensalada, y pan y pan y mas pan y mas agua fria.

maybe, i´ll have a beer for breakfast. in front of her so she can see me drink it.


as you can tell, i am feeling out of sorts today. a bit lonely. a bit needy of a friend, that it scares me how long i gave directions to the two women from london who were looking for a supermarket. those were my friends today...hungry women from london, and the clerk from this internet cafe who i ask to put more money on my computer.
yes, today, i am in all aspects, in solitude. sola.
and my reflection upon this isn´t one of a cheery nature.
i am not exuberant in my solitude, and i´m not "glad" that i am able to once again teach myself that i can be alone.
i think i know that now. right, solitary, now.

so, where to go from here?
this new, or resurfaced fear...hmmm...
if i have already taught myself that i am capable of being a "one"
then, how to be a "one" in a "two?"
hmmm...a challenge as mad as me, as i, as "one."

namaste, all you lonely hearts tonight.